Sunday, 31 January 2010

The boundaries are in place and remaining so

I read Mari’s recent entry with interest as this question has plagued me for a few months as there is a good leader I know who I often make small talk with, has complimented me several times on my dancing, dances with lots of my friends but still hasn’t asked me to dance. I always made excuses, saying that the music wasn’t right or that we were just passing at the wrong place in the milonga (him going one way, me going another) but last month, there was finally a perfect opportunity where the music was good, the floor had space and we were standing chatting alone.

I remember thinking if there is ever a chance to ask me to dance it will be now. Nothing. After a few minutes of chat, he said he was going off to dance and went over to a friend of his and started dancing (mid song, so it wasn't even a pre-arranged song). It stung but in some way, it has finally brought closure. He is obviously never going to ask me to dance, so now I’ve just accepted it and know not to waste any more time hoping that he will. We still make small chat but that’s apparently where the boundaries are.

I’m being Miss Pragmatic (although it’s taken a while).

On no account however, would I ever ask him WHY he doesn’t want to dance with me? He obviously has his reasons and I have my pride! I'm just making sure now, that I always have plenty of partners when he's around.


  1. What waste your energy on him? Look for those who are looking for you. Put your energy in your tango and enjoy the dance. Maybe one day when he asks you, you would think that he is not great anyway. :-)

  2. I've spent many an evening wondering why so and so doesn't/hasn't asked me to dance. One particular leader always crosses the room and greets me profusely, but then disappears and asks obvious beginners or more experienced ladies I might be chatting with. He has a following and seems to be on a mission to swoop up any newbies who appear on the scene. But, now that I'm more experienced and advanced, I've started watching him dancing and have now decided that I don't really like his style and don't really want to belong to his harem. No, it's not sour grapes, it's just progress and a new confidence I've gained. By the same token, I've been more socialable towards other leaders whose styles I like and who I thought weren't interested in dancing with me and have found that they were either shy or thought I only wanted to dance with my partner, which isn't the case. I've since had some lovely dances and now have several new leaders who I know will ask me again.

    Also, I've learned that worrying about how I look or how I might perform if a certain leader does ask me to dance actually showed on my face and in my body language - even if I thought I was smiling and radiating my eagerness to dance. Photos taken recently brought that fact home to me and I've taken it to heart. I recently danced in a new dress and felt really good and it had a very positive effect on my whole milonga experience. I can't afford a new dress every week, but I've certainly got the message.

  3. As you know, I can so relate to your post. I have recently found out a couple of the reasons I hadn't received an invitation to dance and, though I thought it would make a difference to know, it really matters very little.

    One of the reasons was annoying because it literally had nothing to do with me (as a person or a dancer - just circumstances completely beyond my control.) Another reason I probably should have guessed, but hadn't really thought about it - which was because I blog about tango. And there is, of course, more than one leader who simply does not like the way I dance. *shrug* All I can do is my best.

    So what everyone else has posted (on your blog and mine lol) is right - it's better all around to focus on those tangueros that do want to dance.

  4. Thanks for your empathy - its silly but annoying too...(ho hum)

    TP - by the time he asks me, I'll certainly be too good for him! ;-)